And just like that… It came. No ceremony, no discussion, no argument, no fight. The what ifs, the hopefullness, the dreams, the ambitions… Diminished in what seemed like a blink. And suddenly it all makes sense. The ever flowing tears, the worry, the heartache, the reams and reams of unfinished dreams have snapped back into place and they aren’t unwarranted, they aren’t out of place. I was. It’s shocking, it’s frightening, it’s desperately desperately sad but I goaded it and it’s here.
I am learning to understand the very bleak distance between needing and wanting. I need food, water, happiness to live a healthy life. I want love, compassion, friends to compliment that life. I wanted you. And unlike some elements- friends, good times, support- that blur the lines between wants and needs, you remain at sea. My “want” zone. I’ll be a child at Christmas, disappointed that I never received the one thing I truly wanted. But life will go on. I’ll survive, I’ll manage. It’s so easy to think about the things we crave, desires we have to be fulfilled but this, this allows me to think of the thing I didn’t want. I didn’t want to be stuck, I hate uncertainty, living in limbo. This has released me. I am released and I have fallen, weighed under by the heaviness of my heart. And here I will stay. A day, a week, a month, ten years. It’s my choice.
You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore
I never thought I would ever be faced with that ocean. I never wanted to be. And I’ll have to lose sight of that shore. My shore. But it’s memory is indelibly marked on my soul and it will remain in my heart for a lifetime. A place I’d have laid my heart for life. A place I adored.
The dust has settled on the wasteland- two broken hearts, a box of memories, a warped sadness. And with a tired soul and weeping eyes the padlock is placed across the gate symbolising defeat. The time has come.